Start with Choosing your Thought

I have a childhood memory of going to my best friend’s house.

We were on our way there. I just remember sitting in the seat of the car and thinking ‘this is the coolest thing ever.’

I don’t even remember what we did that day, I just remember sitting in the car with a big goofy grin on my face.

Imagining being in that car, even though it’s an event from over two decades ago, makes me feel happy, which is so interesting.

Our brains are amazing; what they can recall and what they allow us to feel. My brain generates feelings independent of the circumstance, because of thoughts flowing from memory.

Have you ever been with somebody who just makes you furious? It’s possible most of the time that person isn’t anywhere near, but just your thought of them leads to feelings instantly. Your thought when you remember what they said, or the thought of what you imagine it to be like being with that person creates certain feelings.

Discomfort. Anger. Awkwardness. Other people, or the circumstances in which we find ourselves, do not create those emotions. Our thoughts do that. The thoughts we choose have the most power of all to generate the fuel we want propelling our lives.

Our thoughts create our feelings. It’s perfectly fine to have the thought, I want to avoid this person and to feel awkward when they are close by. But you’re mistaken if you believe that the person created the thought in your mind.

I’m not saying that it’s always good advice to change the thought that you have, or judge as thought as wrong. You get to decide which thoughts are best to keep. Just the knowledge that you are creating thoughts and sorting to find the ones you want to have most puts you firmly in the driver’s seat of your life. That’s a much better thought than believing circumstances determine thoughts for you.

It’s so easy to overlook the power that your mind has to create any feeling. It’s so common for us to think that, well, that’s just the way things are. This person’s just awkward. Going to your friend’s house when you’re a seven-year-old makes you happy. But no, the thought that you have is what creates that feeling. Changing that thought is always an option.

About two years ago I was about to go through some of the most difficult times I’d ever had. From the outside my life was lovely. I was about to finish grad school. I had two small kids, one brand new baby. So much promise, so much hope for the future. But I wasn’t enjoying it, and not because of the lack of free time, or all the responsibility. I was miserable because of the story in my head.

Saying a story in my head was making me miserable sounds cheesy and belittling. I was really struggling. I felt like everything was falling apart. My brain made me miserable thinking the way things are is going to always hold you back. The things that you’ve done leading up to this moment have been so mistaken. You’ve made so many mistakes. You’ve screwed up so much that now you’re stuck and you’ll never get out. My mind was generating these awful suffocating, spiraling feelings. Recognizing that it was my mind doing this at first didn’t feel helpful. It felt like another burden, but the glimmer of hope followed.

What I realized was my mind was so focused on hoping that circumstances would change. But if I went somewhere else I would still have my brain. The same brain that was making me miserable, there and then.

So if my thoughts create these feelings, not the circumstances, doesn’t that mean I have more control in my hands than I was acknowledging in the first place?

Consider that maybe my thoughts are creating a mess right now, but if it’s my thoughts, not the circumstances, the parts making life difficult for me are not outside my control.

I do get to choose what to think. What if that means that there is hope for me to have a better life?

Choosing how to think is the key to becoming the person I’ve always dreamed I would be. I can have the best life in whatever circumstances I find myself, and the determination and commitment to change those circumstances if I decide to do so.

My thoughts affect me first and foremost. If I choose them more deliberately then I don’t have to get stuck in the spiraling thoughts. I don’t have to be at the mercy of my anger or sense of crippling awkwardness. I can feel gratitude, curiosity, connection, warmth, and so many other good feelings more often, and remember more quickly in the hard times that there are good times right around the corner.

What if I don’t have to judge myself for feeling bad sometimes, because bad feelings just come from thoughts?

Just a little bit more opportunity to change, just a little bit more possibility is all we need to get back in motion. If you need a coach to help keep you moving in that direction, then join the club. Most of us benefit hugely from having a good support system.

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What a relief to just accept the goodness in my life that was already there and to see more readily the good that is already on its way.

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my driveway. I don’t live in a penthouse in New York city or whatever. But my emotional baseline is way higher now than it was two years ago. I don’t feel stuck. I don’t need my circumstances to change to feel good. And changing the circumstances feels so much easier and natural from the perspective of knowing what I think is what matters most.

Life is so different as I continually come back to that idea that there is so much power and possibility in my own ability to choose. And if the Lamborghini and the penthouse are in my future, I’ll have them when it’s time, and maybe actually be able to enjoy them instead of taking them for granted after two minutes.

That is what I love to share as a coach.

Choices start with your thoughts.

Endless possibilities are right under your fingertips, just having the right perspective, little lens changes, even just for a split second, can grow your vision and have enormous impact.

I’m excited to see where you go and what you achieve. Take care, you got this!